A Response to the Single Guy Stuck in Kyiv

It’s both hilarious and sad to read such “pick-up tips from a lonely expat” (as published in What’s On Issue 14). Hilarious, because after years of failing, the author still believes he understands women and can give advice. Sad, because he keeps on wasting his own time as well as the time of his dates – women unaware they are nothing but numbers for him.

It’s not news that Ukraine is considered a paradise for finding love. Be it sex or marriage. So I’m not surprised you’re stuck here, Mr Burns. Yet, as a Ukrainian woman, I would recommend two things. First, stop treating women as “a rare breed” or a “blue-eyed species”. You can go on safari on another continent. Regardless of our hair colour, command of English, number of children we have, or the amount of education we have gleaned, all Ukrainian women have one thing in common: we like to be respected and treated decently. Which you obviously still have not learned.

Second, stop inventing tricks or success algorithms and expecting miracles to happen. They won’t. Simply. Relying solely on your “find a Ukrainian wife” website is going to be a disappointment. The majority of these beauties, who made you believe in some kind of myth about the perfect women, are paid to have their profiles there. It’s a business. And, trust me, it brings a good ROI to smart Ukrainian dudes who use this business to their benefit.

I mention ROI because it seems like you calculate it with every woman you meet. Let me tell you an ugly truth however: you will always be disappointed with the results of this game. Your math equations “dinner = sex” or “dinner + flowers = sex and breakfast” makes you run into female players who have their own ROI. Both of you will use each other, until you realise that you are not compatible. Perhaps she won’t want to clean or is not very eager to cook. Or, however else your “perfect Ukrainian woman box” might get checked.

By the sounds of it, your Ukrainian quest has not borne any good results Mr. Burns. Only a lot of hatred, resentment, and disillusionment towards Ukrainian women. So, instead of humiliating us and wasting our time, perhaps it’s time to give up. Ideally, go back home. It’s the perfect place to find women who speak your language, understand your sense of humour, and know what kind of chewing gum you prefer, about which no woman in Ukraine cares.