Ramblings of a Single Guy Stuck in Kyiv

Here’s the reality

…on being a single foreign man in Ukraine or just being a single man with a couple volumes of old and current playbooks.

I’ll admit that I’m sucker for brunettes; especially if they have light eyes. Coming from the US, and having lived in eight different states, in five major cities, and “blessed” to have resided in areas with a larger percentage of attractive women, the dark-haired blue-eyed species was rare.

With dreams of meeting such angels for over a decade, a dating site for Baltic, European, and Slavic women was brought to my attention, and it quickly became apparent that my best calculated chance for trapping this rare breed was here in Ukraine.

Many beauties have come and gone in those years, including three three-year relationships, a brief marriage, and three six-monthers. Of those, there was only one I actually had withdrawals from. The rest – like a stick of gum from a pack of “Zoo Animals” (a cheap but large pack of gum with multiple flavour options made only in the US). My point? The flavour was gone from the gum, relationships had lost their intrigue.

Fast forward 10 plus years and the instigation of Operation Vacation Ukraine. After months of research, literally hundreds of Tinder “passport” connections, WhatApp/Viber conversations, and trolling dating sites, my plan started out as a 10-day vacation to Kyiv, Lviv, and Odesa.

Maybe you have heard of or are wondering about companies that sell packaged tours for men to cities in Ukraine where clients are thrown a party with an inordinate amount of beautiful women or are set up on multiple dates by a matchmaker. Yeah – this was not my game, and I only say that because I still actually have “game”. I mean this in the nicest way, but the true reality is these services are usually purchased by old men who assume they will quickly win a trophy wife to bring home to Alabama who will cook, clean, and perform other wifely acts at the drop of a dime. 

Here’s the thing and let me summarise:

• The dimes (10s) and 9s are most likely just out of your league, but for very good reasons. They tend to be either the craziest, most high maintenance, superficial, selfish, insecure, jealous, and broke, with a dash of bad English, quick tempered, uneducated, with daddy issues. These are the ones men tend to dream of, send flowers to, and actually think they have a chance with. Don’t.

• The most attention most any foreign man will get will likely be from a single middle-aged mother who doesn’t speak very good English and at best is a 5-6. If you’re lucky and don’t care about “the baggage”, 6-7 will be the best you can do.

• If you are a traditional guy and want a traditional family like I do, then focusing on the mid- to late-20s may be the way to go. Your chances of having more 7s and 8s increases, but you yourself also need to be a well-rounded 7. Which, I think I am. Give anyone a couple drinks and I could pass for a 9, but the hangover might make me a 5-6. But enough with the numbers. 

• Guys, you need to have a sense of humour. There is a caveat however. The dry dark sense of humour and/or sarcasm doesn’t translate, even if they speak good English. I still often manage to say something that unintentionally offends them:

Them: “Ugh my hair looks terrible today.”

Me: “I wasn’t going to say anything, but yeah…what happened?!”

Even said with the cutest of smiles, 99% of the time you’re just going to offend, so stay away from the sarcasm. Likewise, if they try to be funny or do something off the wall, you cannot call them silly. This translates as fool, and you’re basically calling them stupid.

• Intelligence and self confidence goes a long way, but talk about yourself all night with a mixture of quantum mechanics and you can forget it.

• I will be perfectly honest regarding what I have seen, what is real, and what your best chance is. If you are not successful with women in your country there is probably a reason… For me, it was always a question of ROI: if the money and time I put into the relationship doesn’t have multiple times the return I’m not terribly interested. The exception is that she either had to be hot and happy, intelligent and a solid 6, or a porn star in bed. Be careful with the former however as they are often dumb as rocks, and the sex, like chewing gum, will often lose flavour.

The furthest I’ll go out on a limb is to say that you may need to put aside your morals as well as that photo of your mother on your bedside table to get the fast ones… And if you are asking yourself who the fast ones are and what’s this about my mama, then check out next month’s issue – I’ll have some more good tips.